It’s on like… Kiddy Kong? (Part 2)

First let me issue an apology to any nerds I insulted with part 1 of this article. Now I have unlocked the lost world of Krematoa, but still have not beaten it. I mentioned the difficulty level of this game versus the first two, but it has only gotten harder. To unlock levels in Krematoa you must find 15 Bonus coins, which are obtained by completing mini-challenges found in bonus barrels. The barrels are often located in hidden places randomly placed throughout the levels. There are two bonus barrels in every level, but you need to collect 15 of these coins JUST TO UNLOCK ONE OF THE BONUS KREMATOA levels. The people who created this game are sadistic.

And maybe a little perverted? (Note: This is something you literally have to do to complete the game. When this boss floats over you, you have to duck, and for some reason they designed Dixie's butt to pop out in this peculiar way.)

Not just in the difficulty level but also in the terrifying scenarios they create. These are anthropomorphic apes, with characteristics directly related to that of children. Remember the Game Over screen? Every time we run out of lives we are reminded that these are practically babies that shouldn’t be out  killing alligator men and giant rats but should be playing with an abacus in the playpen. And yet there are levels where:

  • You climb up a tree with an enormous saw blade grinding it’s way toward you

"J'ever wonder what happens when you get sawed in half, Dixie?"

  • You climb up a cliff on a rope, while the rope is on fire constantly burning forcing you upward

    "Hmmm, fall to my death or be burned alive..."

  • You run through a forest dodging CONSTANT lightning

    "I'm not even old enough to understand the science behind how I'm about to die."

I joke, of course. This is one of the most fun games I’ve ever played and it is incredibly addictive. I might also note that all the levels mentioned above are actually some of the most entertaining and exciting levels in the entire  game. The hardest level in the game doesn’t sound that bad on paper. You just dodge these guys:

Anyone who has ever played this level before just shat their pants.

They’re called Koindozers or some shit, but you will come to know them as the devil. They cannot actually kill you themselves, they only have a shield. Plus we’ve seen their green counterpart throughout the entire game, they don’t move and are very easy to kill. In fact, if you kill them you get a special coin, so you’re always happy to see the green ones. However, these pink fuckers cannot be killed and will push you with their shield into any nearby opening. And this level is filled with cliffs and chasms. It takes quickness and precision to get by them. one mistake or slow maneuver can mean death.

Just trust me it’s awful. The game isn’t though, you should check it out! Expect more blogs up soon, and possibly a part three to this article as soon as I beat the lost world of Krematoa.

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It’s on like… Kiddy Kong? (Part 1)

What? You wanted more posts? You, one person who spoke to me privately, believe that I must continue posting? Is this blog not a testament to laziness?

Well, you have awoken me from my slumber and here I am to write extensively about something I know “you” won’t care about. Where has my brain been for these many weeks? I’ve recently played the SNES video game “Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong’s double trouble” from start to finish.*

*Note for nerds: No I did not beat or even unlock the bonus island of “Krematoa”, so fuck you.

First some history. DKC3 (as it’s known by absolutely nobody) was a commercial flop due to having been released right after the N64 came out. There also was a lack of interest in the characters. Remember this is the third game in a series, so let’s look at the character’s from the first two games:

Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong: The "Swinging Bachelor" Years

These guys are the classic pair. In Donkey Kong Country, you play as both Donkey and his nephew Diddy, and people liked that. It was almost like old experienced Donkey Kong was taking Diddy through this coming of age adventure.

Diddy Kong and Dixie Kong: The "Are you my girlfriend or my cousin?" years

For the record she is supposed to be his girlfriend, but they’re also both supposed to be 10, so whatever that means. Plus it’s a little awkward to have an unmarried girlfriend with the same last name as you. However, this pair was still pretty palatable, since girls liked Dixie and boys already liked Diddy from the first game.

A pattern was started with these two games, the main character from the second game was the side kick from the first one. So in following that pattern Dixie Kong is the main character in DKC3 and her side kick is… this asshole:

The "Who the fuck is Kiddy Kong?" Years

This is one of the reasons this game is not popular. People didn’t give two shits about Kiddy Kong. Boys already tolerated Dixie Kong, but now this whimpering ape child is one of the only TWO PLAYABLE KONG CHARACTERS in the entire game? AND THE OTHER ONE IS A GIRL?!

This game did not receive the reputation it deserves, some even called the game “the least challenging of the series”. This is not something someone who played the whole thing would say, this is something someone would say after playing for two minutes and getting sick of playing as Kiddy or Dixie. Although I don’t think the game over screen helped win any fans.

A crib? But I fell into a pit of lava...

How challenging was it? You’ll have to wait for part 2!

 

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Ridin’ On Dubs

Of all the letters in the alphabet, there is one in particular that gets us lazy people pissed off. I know what you’re think but it’s not P, which we find hilarious due to it’s similarities to a euphemism for urination, but rather that bastard W!

No, not that bastard...

W is a stupid letter. Actually let me rephrase that. It’s not that W is a stupid letter, but it is stupid how we pronounce it. “Double-U”. What the hell is that? It takes three times as long to say as ANY other letter in the English language. As has been stated on this blog multiple times, I am a LAZY man, and I live in a bustling, fast paced 21st century world.

This could be what the outside world looks like for all I know.

Not just online but in real life people abbreviate things as simple as “I don’t know” to “idk”. “IDK”?!?!?!? It has the same number of syllables!!! Yet, W continues to be pronounced in the olde timey way. It’s time to upgrade, suckas! Which is why I propose we officially change the pronunciation of W to… “dub”.

This will become a literary publication.

It just makes sense doesn’t it? When telling some one a web address (which only old and daft people do by starting with “W-W-W-dot…” or even worse the “H-T-T-P-uh… the two little dots and a slashy.. oh two slashies…”, but I digress)  you might start by saying “Double-U-Double-U-Double-U-dot” which takes more syllables than to say the words they are supposedly abbreviating :”World Wide Web”.

Not pictured: World Wide Web

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Cherry Popped!

Here we go. New Blog, so many oponions (opinions with layers) I don’t know where to start. As a habitual, ritual, and centurial marijuana smoker, I, of course, am outraged by Tuesday’s shut down of proposition 19 in California. The depressing thing is that I know people who smoke weed but voted no on prop 19. Whether they worried about how it would put growers out of business, make our roads more dangerous, or threaten our state’s cookie dough supply, they were all full of shit.

There's Toll House in them there hills!

As with the prohibition of alcohol, marijuana is and has been readily available to all during it’s ban, with many profiting from it’s illegal status. We forget, because of how long marijuana has been illegal, that dealers and growers are using supply and demand against us as a means to charge us more. Now, I’m not saying I would prefer to buy cheaper pot from Marlboro and the like, but the average pot smoker would benefit from lower prices for bud. In the legal weed universe I imagine, marijuana would be treated more like wine than cigarettes.

I don't think it would be a big change for Ralph Steadman...

There is no set price for wine, and if all you need is to get drunk (you wino) Trader Joe’s offers their infamous two buck chuck for two bucks, Chuck. However, if you are one of those types who appreciates the finer things then you can spend over hundreds of dollars on your vino. The same should go for ganja (if it were legal). It would give growers incentive to produce the most valuable weed possible. Think about it: Have you ever purchased an eighth of weed in a shady public place, for $60.00 only to bring it home and find out it’s schwag?

I paid $60.00 for this?!?!?!

In a store with bright lights, no paranoia clock ticking in your head, and no weird dealer who might have a knife or gun (or both) breathing down your neck, one can actually make the conscious to spend more on good weed or less on bad weed.

Or you can avoid the process all together, go to Jamba Juice and try to smoke some of this shit.

I could talk all day about this world where pot is legal and obviously in a way (medicinally) it is already in California, but it was up to us, the stoners, to make this proposition pass. I salute laziness, and forgive my brothers and sisters who were too baked to make it to the polls, but shame on you who partake in the holy herb and voted no on Tuesday. I don’t care your backward reasoning, the fact is that it is far past prime time to make marijuana culturally acceptable. This really should have been done in the 60’s, people!

We were going to do something about that but then... the colors, man! The colors!!!

 

 

A note: This blog shall be a testament to laziness and sloppiness, and the articles shall reflect that. If you comment please do not point out any errors, instead I would like to be made aware if anything is too polished or professional. Thanks!

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